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is it strange i feel there is little point in anything?

looking back i start to question what i thought the point was all these ears? or is it when your little you see pointlee things as goals, aspirations, reasons.

well i guess no longer. dont get me wrong, im far to much of a pansy to commit suicide xD

but its the fact that i reallise that everything is doomed to fail. i dont see how people are happy nowadays. chances are life will majorly fuck up somewhere in the grander scale of things.


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people treat you like crap for long enough

you start to feel like crap =]

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this blog is now for the things i cant say on FB, where i have to be a cheery guy who laughs at lolcats and takes care of his friends, drink the bar dry at parties and still some how get all his friends home safely

this is the place where i can for once, express the innertermoil that i quel everyday with a smile or an ‘im ok’ or just by remaining silent. WHY

WHY do i have to remain silent. i mean. everyone has me to lean on, why cant i have someone else to lean on, i listen to everyone, to everone. but what do i face. i face everything on my own. who can i tell? my family? there more than 1/2 the problem.

why? well basicly being the younger of 2, who actually does acheive better, yet isnt…for some reason….as ‘good’ as the elder, you just want to die. when your bascily told your worthless every day by those who supposedly should be their for you no matter what, thats when you want to die. when you feel so worthless but dont want to self harm because that just makes you a statistic

when your too much of a pussy to use a kitchen knife or bleech for suicide. when you use a fucking blog as a shrink as your too worried the one at school will get worried and call home

thats when you know you need to die. when the only thing that keeps you going will leave to a uni far away in a less than 2 years and when you realise that she might not ever love you the way you love her

when FUCKING /b/ are the only people you feel you can connect with. then you know there really is a problem. but its strange, those /b/tards who the majority of people, if they found out about their existance, would laugh at and be disgusted at, i find that they have the most compassion. i mean, they dont judge. who the fuck are any one to judge.

JUDGING is the most horrid thing ever. it massages your ego while destorying someone elses confidence. makes the other fee llike shit while you feel better about yourself.


i say that alot youknow. i like the silence sometimes. i wish i was dead

again, im not suicidal purely as i dont want to be a statistic.

i jsut want a normal life and am probably more psychologicly messed up than most mass murderers. having parents argue everynight for the last 17 years of my 17 years of life does that to a person. i know others face this problems. MILLIONS OF OTHERS.

but those millions have at least one person to lean on! i have no one. ever. even my best friend cant know the truth.

i mean secretly i guess im a geek. would love to eat hot pockets every day in a basement somewhere with a dell in my lap. i mean, no one knows that side of me

regression. regress to a state of no life one day.

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hmm..i reckon if we both work hard for our furture then it’ll all work out =]
******says (16:25):
*and tbh if its meant to happen, then it shall *nods*

thought id show you this…..

MY reason to try and hold some POWER grrrr

(ill explain the message inPost2C….gota write an essay 1st)

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so yeah i promised another post…here it is. anywhoo.

revision went well.. and i thinks me cleared up them trust issues. =] kinda. i mean i talked to her and i think what we have is ‘real’

wow never thought id be THAT cliches =D

but still. im cautious. i wouldnt be ME if it wasnt for a tad of paranoia and a sprinkle of suspicion

also, idk if anyone will comment but:

DOES playing it mean really keep em keen

as in should i play a FEW mindgames with her to keep us on our toes? sounds harsh but it makes sense to at least hold a FEW cards in a relationship

hmmhmhmm indeed


talk soon in part c….

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had a horrid dream about her last night

sigh sleep wont even give me a break.

but she sent me the lovliest message right before i nodded of that just made me feel as thought stuff would be ok xD

anywho. does anyone herer go on listverse? sucha good site. really gives you insight on a topic a day and just a good lil read anywho.

one on soviet movies today… kinda want to learn a foreign language better now. as in, not one that i learnt from mother dearest or the crap that was german in yr 11….however that was alot of fun hehe =]

so yeah, i think ill do another blog today after/during revision but hmm was up@8am to start revision@9 =]

keep it tight guise


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OK. what can i say.

short profile:


From England

Asian origin

Live near london

Doing A levels


reason for the blog

tell people shit and never be found



problem no.1:

Girl. From college. im in love with her. shes in love with me.

Simple? ok. she smoked. one or two sporadicly. never daily. OK now so she PROMISES explicitly, to quit for me

yeah but i still think she is. sigh. and theres no proof. NONE AT ALL. its just my trust issues. i cant trust her

heres what i’v analysed about my trust ‘paradigm’

when i first make a friend i give them 100%trust but as our relationship continues, my trust decreases more and more and more…

i dont want that to happen with her ='[

now, problem number2:

girl my age. my sisters best friend. my sisters bridesmaid. i USED TO LIKE HER…a little crush about 5 years ago (i was 12). now she likes me. in the past 4 years i got over her. she had this fling with a random guy.

anywho, my mum and sister are FORCING me to ‘like’ her back. make sense? well its crazy and rather annoying

heres a final thing, my parents font know aboout college girl. never can. hmmhm.

FML? agreed

anywho..watching some random movie now…reese witherspooon. hmmhmm…

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